How to Piss off an Army Wife

This is list increasingly becoming the theme of my life, especially with Obama's "The troops in Iraq will be home by Christmas" speech, and all the holiday gatherings have ensured that the frequency of me being asked these questions have increased, but most especially #3. (All you non-military folks "home" means United States soil, it doesn't mean the soldier's place of residence, you've got to read between the political BS and look at the perspective of the person speaking if you want to really know what is really being said. I know I've been doing this for much longer than most of you, but if you've ever paid attention to politics you know you have to figure out the gist of things from the flubdub.) I don't mind answering it every once and awhile, but 5 times, in 15 minutes, for four consecutive days? Seriously? I might as well call everyone to attention whenever I go anywhere and say, "Listen up, here's the latest on what I know concerning when my husband's coming home..." so I can move on with my life and talk about things that are grounded in this world, not the world of political games. However, I understand people want to know things, so I'll keep answering these questions, but I would request that you please avoid numbers 1 - 3, I'm liable to "go off at any moment" if I have to deal with those three questions again. If you must ask me a question, I would love to answer #6, #9 (anyone who has ever read the clauses in life insurance knows why I want to answer this), #11, and #12 over and over again, I've got some good come backs for those all saved up and I'd like a chance to hone them before he gets back. :D

How to Piss Off An Army Wife:
1. Try and relate to her by saying how you know just how she feels because your husband is always away on business.
2. Be sure to ask her when her husband comes home if he's done with the military or if he has to go back.
3. Every time you see her ask when her husband is coming home.
4. Tell her how hard it must be for her husband to miss everything in his kid's lives while he's away.
5. As soon as you find out her husband is deployed take it upon yourself to tell her exactly how you feel about the war and how WE shouldn't be over there.
6. Follow that up by asking how she feels about the President.
7. Look surprised and say, "I don't know how you do it, I could never LET my husband do that."
8. If she's pregnant be sure to ask if the military is going to send her husband home for the birth.
9. Tell her she should really consider getting additional life insurance since her husband has a good chance of getting killed.
10. Remind her how lucky she is that her husband gets all that extra tax free money when he's deployed.
11. Ask her how she can be faithful for 15 whole months and if she worries about her husband cheating on her.
12. Inquire on whether or not her husband has killed anyone.